Day 31 of Singledom

Can't believe it's been 31days already. Wow, you know how you first breakup with someone and that first week is brutal. You can't imagine sleeping alone your heart hurts and you get all choked up thinking about them and wondering if they are thinking of you? It doesn't go away in 31 days. Ha. Bet you thought I was going to say it would but it doesn't. It's still hard but now it's a different kind of hard.

Still have to decide if I want to see The Engineer tonight. Going to call him and let him know if I am free. My friends all say what the hell, your not marrying the guy so just go out and enjoy, maybe they are right. Maybe I am putting to much thought into something that is simple. I mean shit, I can make out with a hot guy and not think twice about it but when it comes to actually "dating" someone more than once I get all nervous and wanna run for the closest exit. What do you think? Am I over thinking and just trying to hard to protect this new found independence I have?

I saw The Ex after his hockey game, stressful but I told him about my thoughts on us and how his words have affected the way that I feel about him. I will be his friend but never anything more. I thought we were all on same page till this morning when we started the subject of Valentines Day and he asked what I was doing and I said going out of town. His face was like wow. He said you already have plans, tickets? I said yeah. He told me that "It hurt". I'm shocked. I honestly can't imagine being with someone else on that day and trying to pretend like I'm not thinking of him so I need to be with friends. I thought he would be feeling the same way or even not caring about it. I don't want to hurt him but secretly felt a lil good about it. Does that make me a bad person? I don't know.

Day 30 of my Singledom

A fun filled day of crappy rigs and pysch patients. They make me laugh when they say things like " Gimme a cheeseburger, fries and shake or your whole family will die." Really? Did GOD tell you to ensure your food order prior to the demise of my family? Strange, you would think you would have ordered a steak and potatoes or lobster, something more filling. That's like asking for Chinese food on death row, your going to be hungry 20 minutes later...err wait, I guess that's ok.

The Engineer has been calling, spoke to him yesterday amidst the sirens, dispatchers and backfiring of my rig. Didn't really want to talk to him so figured if he heard how busy I was conversation would be short. It was. He asked me out again for Sunday night, said I would call Sunday morning to confirm. I am conflicted, on one hand I like him and enjoy his company, on the other I am pretty sure I don't want anything further and when he says stuff like "I have been thinking of you everyday" I smile but don't respond. What should I do? Decisions decisions.

I am off to do more life saving, which really means I am off to be a glorified taxi driver. I am not sure why but lately it feels like I should be doing more with my life. Donating time and Coat Drives are great but I really feel like I am missing out somehow in my life. Puzzles can be fun as long as there are no missing pieces. That sucks.

Day 29 of Singledom

I love tattoo's. I am so glad I left my credit card at home because my heat bill might just not have gotten paid this coming month if I had it last night. Priorities. Being an adult and a responsible one at that is not fun. There should be a class in high school that prepares you for how much your going to hate those monthly bills that come, how to balance your checkbook and ration out your Starbucks intake to fit your budget.

On the plus side I was able to purchase one of my favorite bands tickets, not a bad price and not sure who I am taking with my other ticket but feels good to have them, sometimes hard work pays off.

I had one of my girlfriends over, bottle o wine, spaghetti and some good man hating. Her boyfriend and my Ex are friends and her boyfriend just broke up with her and now wants her back...she will most likely go back but she is in that pissed off stage since she knows her worth and feels taken advantage of. It was nice for me to be the therapist and listen and tell someone else everything will be ok and everything happens for a reason, blah blah blah. Why is it when something bad happens, anything you name it, car breaks down, get fired, grandma croaks, people come up with that phrase, "Everything happens for a reason". WRONG. Sometimes shit just happens and you have no idea why or what the fuck people are thinking and you have to only think about yourself during that hard time to really help yourself out of whatever hole your in. Ouch, was that bitter sounding? Damn, think so but what the hell. I sincerely want everything to be better for her because she is a really nice person but we can't promise anything to anyone or even to ourselves because we don't know what will happen. Tomorrow is always a mystery.

Day 28 of Singledom

Day of relaxation. Every one needs one here and there. I have been working so much that it was more than needed, a must to maintain my sanity. I slept til 7am took out George then we went back to bed til 10. Wake up, work out, of course even in relaxation mode you can’t not work out, then you really wasted the day and I try not to waste too many days, trying to leave that for vacation hangover days.

I finally conquered a fear and went ice skating. Thankfully no broken bones or falls just semi tears in anticipation of the falling and broken bones. And surprisingly enough I met quite a few hockey players at the rink...

After a fun filled night of clammy hands gripping the side rail I was ready to just relax when The Ex called and wanted to have a late dinner if I was up for it. Against my better judgment, which seems to be my M.O. of late, we went to a nearby bar/restaurant that just opened and had a great time. Conversation turned to our past relationship which was about the point I said “Check Please”. I miss his company and I am lonely but I am even more confident that we do not need to be together. I could never trust him not to jump ship if things get a little too complicated and his communication skills need work.

Today I am sitting in the tattoo parlor waiting for my friend’s 2nd session back tattoo to get started. I love tattoos, have 3 of my own but waiting till I find exactly what I want for my next. Kinda like my men.

Day 27 of Singledom

I am sitting here in my workout clothes trying to think of anything more important to do...dishes washed, check, laundry done, check, toilet scrubbed, check. UGH. Whoever said working out was fun is a liar. It is not fun it is torture. Why can't we eat everything we want and not feel or look like a marshmallow?

Which brings me to my latest wonder of how pathetic should I feel when my one toothed, half a head of hair covered in 5day old piss clothed pysch patient has "a couple" boyfriends and I don't even have one? Now, you know you have walked through a store or been outside and seen a couple holding hands that was just, to nicely put it, off or not very attractive. Or the cashier at the grocery store wearing this smile on her face right below the huge wart on her upper lip and mustache that screams "Look at my huge ring and how happy I am SUCKER!". And you wonder, What gives? They look so happy and clueless and how can you get that way? Do we put too much pressure on ourselves to make ourselves attractive when other people have it right and worry only about the inside? And I understand in the case of my patient her men weren't exactly quality but she thought so, isn't that all that matters?

Whatever the reason is I still feel the need to bypass the cheesecake in the fridge and grudgingly hit the treadmill. You don't see personality from across the room.

Day 26 of Singledom

Yesterday was pretty tame, more sick people more crazies, it's never ending. I worked late and last patient of the day told me, in spanish (which somehow makes it's funnier) that my mother's a bitch and my father likes to fuck me in ass. Interesting what goes on in people's heads. How do you get to that point were you talk to complete strangers like that? She was naked and refusing to put clothes on so we covered her with sheets and when she kicked them off and my partner tried to fix them she acted like she was going to punch him. I laughed so hard, made no attempt to help him while his eyes were bulging and he was telling her quietly in spanish to "Do It, I dare you". Haha Buttons people, gotta watch who and when you press them. I learned a long time ago that crazy don't like crazy. You one up them and most will calm down.

Overall an easy day, The Ex text me some interesting insight on his feelings. Was nice to hear that I was missed and thought about but...that's it. It helps I think to get over someone when they realize they were wrong and you are awesome and what the fuck were they thinking but hey, relationships are a little like kindergarten, no take backs.

I have my flight to NYC all booked and planned and I can't wait. I have been working nonstop and need to get away and, yup, you know what I am going to say, Breathe.

Day 25 of Singledom

I have 2 jobs. My 2nd job I deal with animals. I love them, they are therapeutic and you can't be sad around an tail wagging ready to be loved animal. Generally I can walk into my job and instantly forget about everything, it's usually busy and loud and plenty of people to talk to and belly's to scratch.

For some reason though yesterday was not helping. The people were annoying and the dogs, well they were still cute but the owners were on my last nerve. Maybe by talking to The Ex I am prolonging the inevitable, Moving On. I didn't speak to him yesterday and I am forcing myself not to respond to his lame "How are you?" tex. What is the purpose of stringing someone along if you don't love them. I don't think he is a bad person but I also know he is a confused young guy. Trying to be open minded but yesterday I was just more pissed than anything. Emotions suck.

I decided that I am going out of town for Valentines Day. It's coming quick and I want to be with friends I know and have loved for years, not some stranger who asks me on a date because he is lonely like me. I put alot of thought and heart into holidays, even hallmark ones and knowing there is a card waiting to be written on that I bought ahead of time for The Ex makes me sad. I won't reuse it but not ready to throw it away yet. Silly right that something that impersonal that hundreds of people bought the same card could feel so personal.

Day 24 of Singledom

First off I would like to say that whoever invented wine is a GOD. Seriously. Had a long day at work and opted to hang out with a girlfriend instead of heading to a party at a bar. I have a feeling it would have ended up being amateur hour and I am too old for that and have no desire to hold anyone's hair back in a public toilet. When we party we party hard. I think cops, medics and firemen all share the responsibility of making sure the liquor business booms forever.

I go to my girlfriends house and she has homemade wine which was phenomenal. You know, the kind that is mellow and not to strong and before you know it you have drunk 3 bottles and are venting about everything that is wrong or not up to par in your life? That was our evening. We tried watching a movie but couldn't stop talking. I miss that, I have a best friend who I can do that with but not many times in your life will you just click with someone that you feel you can tell them anything and not be judged. I would like to think that I am that type of person in return but I think sometimes we get caught up in our own shit that we feel entitled to judge people we don't know when we are no better than the other person. Just different.

I did finally speak to The Engineer and agreed to go on another date, why not? No harm. I made it clear what I can offer at this time and it's not my heart so if the scraps aren't good enough then there are plenty other men out there. Maybe I don't even want a man though, don't get crazy thinking I want a woman because that is not even on the table but I think maybe I just want to breathe. Yes, that is my word for this whole year, Breathe.

Day 23 of Singledom

Had people over last night for a Coat Donation, attendance was low but everyone brought 2-3 coats which was really nice and the martini's flowed. I truly love my friends. They are supportive of all my ridiculous mistakes and love hearing about all my antics.

After about 6 martinis we decided to play BLURT, really hard game for the inebriated but I would not play it any other way. Received a call from The Ex, had been texting back and forth with him all day. Damn tex, you can't not respond ya know? It's like a nagging little thing in your brain if you don't and nothing ever comes across the way you want it to. Let's just say after about 3 more martini's I had a relapse and kicked everyone out and visited him.

Not a movement forward but hey, baby steps people, baby steps. Hard to love someone one day and forget that the next.

Day 22 of Singledom

Yesterday was another fun filled day on a different rig that was blowing smoke and the windows wouldn't roll down. You would think my company was going out of business but it's the opposite, maybe that is why the upkeep on some of these rigs is so terrible. My partner was this newlywed who is about to be a dad for the first time and yesterday was his anniversary. He bought his wife flowers and balloons and wrote her a 2 page letter on how much he loved her. So sweet I wanted to puke. All I kept thinking is your such a punk. I like them both and they gave me a ride home and insisted the whole ride that things will work out with my ex and I, that they saw how in love we were and you can't just lose that. I wanted to tell them, yes you can, don't be stupid, people are assholes but I didn't want to burst their disgusting love bubble they had. I think I am becoming more and more jaded, could be a bad thing but I am going to embrace it. I truly do love my job but after a day of scabbies, MRSA patients and "I love you, no I love you" partners, I just wanted to unwind.

I head to a neighborhood bar for a drink with some coworkers. I have never been to this place before and it is a sausage bar. Testosterone in the house! My friend and I were the only females there so I felt like a deer first day of open season. Didn't pay for either of my drinks and left feeling pretty good about myself. I mean I know it was slim pickings in there but it is nice to be appreciated.

Day 21 of Singledom

Here’s an update, I have not called The Engineer, think he was too ready to be too serious for where I am at in my life right now, hell he barely knew me anyway. And still talking to The Ex but nothing is going to come out of it, we both are ready to move one. The Stalker wants to go out to dinner or movie or anything that will involve him being close enough to smell my hair, no joke, so I will not be going anywhere with him either. Who knows what the future brings except I can guarantee there is work work work in mine for the time being, keeping busy is the best, when something exceptional happens then it will be meant to be and I have some time on my hands, ain’t rushing anything.

Yesterday I got the worst rig in the station, of course one of the last few left because no one wants a rig whose radio is possessed and goes on and off when you shut the door or turn the wheel. We lovingly call this the Ghetto rig. The back license plate light is hanging off from being broken into so many times, both doors are missing side panels and when it backfires people duck. Yes, hop on in and I will take care of you. Nothing like seeing this pull up to your house when you have an emergency!

Day 20 of Singledom

So after a hard day of sick, malnutrition and crazy patients I needed a drink. The Ex is driving me home asking me what I am doing for the game, maybe I want to have a drink, just 1, please. Again I cave, ok, 1 won't hurt. 5 drinks later we order food, 7 drinks later we wind up walking from the bar to his place because it's closer than mine and neither one of us need to drive.

When I get to his place, it hits me, pictures are gone from the wall, little things of ours are pushed to the side. Too much for me, especially on today. It's understandable I know, I have done the same, but it catches you off guard. So I want to call a cab, please stay just sleep he says. You seeing a pattern yet? Of course you do, I think my readers are smarter than me, but here goes; I cave. Ok. I stay and this morning at 5:20 we get ready to leave (he has work at 6) I am putting on my shoes by the washer/dryer in the his basement apartment and someone walks up behind me. Horror of horrors, it's his mom. I can't even do the walk of shame properly. She smiles "Hey! How are you?" I choked out a "Fine. Good. Yeah. You?"

This people is why you do not date someone who lives in their parents basement. Parents always have a key.

Day 19 of Singledom

Monday was a lazy day. Relaxed, ran errands, watched movies, took my cute lil dog for a walk. Decided it was better to have a day off then be running ragged for work this morning. The Ex called last night wanted to talk. I caved and said ok, he came by late and we talked about nonsense, nothing important, but don’t think there is really anything more to be said. We both worked early and coincidentally he had his work bag so he stayed over, I was good and went straight to sleep. On the way to work in the morning a funny thing happened, my phone alarm went off, it was a reminder that today was our anniversary. I had to laugh and he kinda smirked and said Happy Anniversary. Awkward moment. I keep having those.

I get to work and my 1st call is a man who pulled his catheter out. Why on earth would anyone do that? It has to be the worst punishment to bestow on a man, “For punishment you will rip your own catheter out and when you feel that burning stinging pain and scream like a girl you will know what you did.” That should be mandatory for rapist or molesters, once a week you will rip it out. I like that idea. How does one go about passing a bill? I used to know that, man I am feeling old, all the stuff I used to know I have forgotten and now can only remember useless shit from tv. You want a quote from Family Guy, Jersey Shore, Housewives of OC? I’m your girl!

I didn’t call The Engineer back, his voice mail said that he would love to get together again soon was going to be busy for the next week on his project but to call him. I might call today, but then again I don’t feel like it, today had so much promise I think I would rather spend it thinking of myself only. Maybe take my dog for another walk and a special treat. That would be a good day.

Day 18 of Singledom

So lunch was great, we met a couple friend of ours at their house and had a fantastic meal along with alot of wine. Always a great combination. So onto The Stalker. He is a absolutely gorgeous man with a great personality....just a couple quirks. We dated about 4yrs ago and he has always been in my life in some way or another since then. The relationship was doomed from the start because I met him while I was dating someone else and then I think he was always waiting for me to ditch him for another guy. Paranoia and jealousy is not a good thing and since he was a smotherer this made it even worse. Hence my little trip to Mexico with the girls where the booze was flowing and the men were hot and needless to say I met someone who wasn't constantly questioning me and let loose for a weekend. I haven't been very good at secrets and when this particular one came out he was crushed, and me to because I realized then that it would never work. Instead we did what most people do and tried. Ugh. Hate that, "How's the relationship?" You smile and say "Were trying." Doomed. Eventually we split but of course only after we had hurt each as much as possible beyond repair. Now we can be friends. I have made it very clear there is no possible way that we will ever be more than that. I just hope his persistence to be in my life isn't because he thinks I will eventually come around. Because I won't.

Biggest dilemma today is to work or not to work. I have the day off but a coworker doesn't have a partner today and I can't decide if I want the money that bad to work from 1pm to midnight then be back up at 5am. I work on an ambulance and could tell you some stories that would shock you or crack you up depending on the type of humor you have but really not trying to get fired this New Year, not yet anyway. Well The Engineer has called early this morning and I think I will listen to his voice mail. I didn't answer because I don't want to seem too readily available. Not playing hard to get or playing games, just need to make sure everyone knows my worth that I am dealing with because I think in the past I had forgotten that myself.

Day 17 of Singledom

Wow. Round 2 with The Engineer last night. He called during the day to tell me that he would love to take me out again and could rearrange his schedule to stay another day if I was free. Another night of fine cuisine and pampering? Of course! When I got to the hotel he asked me to come up to the room because he had a surprise for me, he had bought me some beautiful flowers and had to 2 glasses of wine waiting. He took my coat, remarked on how beautiful I looked and went to hang it up and thankfully before I grabbed my wine I went to sit down and missed the bed. Yup. Landed with a THUD on the floor. As I scrambled to get up his turned with a look of horror on his face, Oh No! Are you ok? I didn't dare look at him and I just laughed and said "I do believe I told you I was a klutz, great view....umm, time for that wine...." He proceeded to toast to our wonderful 1st date and an even better 2nd and hopefully no more spills.

After my embarrassing tumble, which I knew was destined to happen because I can't maintain the air of gracefulness for to long. We went back to the concierge for another recommendation. Last night's cuisine was in a Colonial style restaurant with French and Vietnamese influences. It was so beautiful. I didn't know we had anything like that in the city. Again we had a great conversation, The Engineer was extremely upfront about what he is looking for. He wants a stay at home wife who will take care of the household, except for the cleaning because he doesn't want his wife doing that. Really? Seriously? I feel like I fell into and episode of Real Housewives from Orange County and I am Gretchen praying on poor Jeff. I do notice the looks some people give us, the age difference is 13yrs but I think he has worked to hard for to long and aged more than he should have.

After dinner we walk back to the hotel and he is already planning our 3rd date. I don't know what I think right now but feel like I do enjoy his company enough to see it through a couple more dates before I make a decision one way or the other because my feelings are not something I trust at the moment. 17days ago I had a boyfriend who I thought loved me more than anything and wanted to spend his life with me and it was gone faster than I could snap my fingers so I don't know if I will ever be unguarded again. I am not opposed to enjoying my dates just don't feel a serious relationship is in the immediate future for me.

Of course I talked to The Ex in the morning and the evening, just a hey how you doing from him, doesn't make my heart clench as much as it used to but there is still a pang. But for today I am not thinking of anybody else and just enjoying the company of a very handsome man, he is an old boyfriend from years back, I will affectionately call him The Stalker. We have lunch plans and he always makes me smile. Bon Appetit!

Day 16 of Singledom

Ok guys, the prior night I laughed so hard at the lil NY man and his deep comments, proceeded to other side of bar where my pretty boy was and continued on with the tonsil hockey for maybe another 20min. Then, being the good girl I am, my girlfriend and I left the bar to hop in a cab and go home. I am not into one night stands but will appreciate a beautiful face. Tons of fun and just what I needed Mr. Soccer Player, thank you.

So now onto my evening with the older man last night, we will call him The Engineer. I seriously have never been wined and dined like I was last night. It was unbelievable. While waiting for him the lobby of his hotel I felt like Julie Roberts in Pretty Woman. Totally out of place but not caring a bit because I was in awe at the amazingly beautiful surroundings. The Engineer is a bit older than I and he reminds me a little of Lance Armstrong, great shape, all gray and cute smile. After telling the concierge that we would like to live and eat well (is that code for expensive?) she recommended a very authentic Italian restaurant in walking distance that was extremely intimate. The place was absolutely gorgeous. A 3 story house was transformed into a little Italian village by a couple from Bologna Italy. All of the food was made in house and the wine exported from Italy. The Engineer was a complete gentleman, held doors, took my chair out, stood up when I went to use the restroom. A girl could get used to this! Conversation was just as good as the food, he has never been married or had kids because he is a workaholic. During our tiramasu indulgence he admitted to me that he flew out to Chicago strictly to take me out because since the moment he met me he couldn't stop thinking about me and was amazed that such a beautiful and intelligent woman like myself was still single. Wow. Talk about laying it on thick. I probably blushed and snorted because that is how I handle flattery but I have to say, hearing that was really nice, almost better than the whole date. After walking back to the hotel he grabbed me a cab and we ended the date with a small nice kiss and I told him I would call him.

Now in the cab my ex texts. Perfect timing huh? He tells me he's out and asks what I am up to. Not sure if he wants to just rub it in that he is out doing his own thing or if he just really wanted to talk to me but either way I picked up the phone and called my mom from the cab and filled her in on the wonderful evening and tried to put him out of mind. I don't want that glow of being spoiled to go away to soon, it was too nice to spoil with a conversation about the past. Time to move on.

Day 15 of Singledom

Wow. How much fun can a Brazilian soccer player be? ALOT! Ok, wait for it, just bubbling over, could be from the booze last night but could also be from sheer joy at why I liked being single before! So the night started out beautifully. My girlfriend brought me a "pick me up gift" which consisted of Lemongrass lotion and anti-bacterial spray....umm the last part has me worried about what single life has done to her but i've been out of the game for 2yrs not really sure what to expect. So we head out to the comedy and show and it was fucking awesome! Not only was my friend great but it was seriously Mad Tv worthy, hands down the best $10 ever spent, which I did not have to spend since last night my girl deemed me as her bitch for the night that didn't put out but she was still paying for everything since she was forcing me to leave my safe haven of a home to flirt with my coworker. Good trade.

Afterwords we go with the cast to a local bar and have ourselves a couple cocktails. Why does my breath smell like a vodka distillery you ask? Because last night vodka was like a hot potato that I wanted to eat! I didn't pay for a single drink and when my friend started to fall off her bar stool I figured, maybe now is the time to go. No. Not the time. Another bar and another 3 or 4 drinks later we walk into the next bar and BAM there he is. Hot Smoldering Brazilian man who locks eyes with me the minute I walk in. As soon as we go to take a shot he walks over and say something in the form of "you are so beautiful". Could have been "your scarf is made from wonderful yarn" for all I cared. Commence the makeout session. He talks about himself, whatever, not interested and more makeout, a shot a drink, then more blah blah and makeout. Don't remember his name but do remember he put his number in my phone so if I wanted to know his name could look but really not worried about that.

When my friend falls off her bar stool again I figure it's time to catch a cab, so I hit up the ladies room and get accosted my this short New Yorker who looked like he just walked off the reality show Jersey Shore, who wants to discuss my options for the night! Seriously he said that. He tells me I can go over to pretty boy and makeout with him some more or I can try to have an everlasting relationship with someone who is deep. Like him.

What do you think I did? :)

Day 14 of Singledom

Exciting news in Singleville! We have a contestant in the running. Mind you an older, very attractive one who definitely has his shit together. This guy came into my store (dog boutique) about a month ago and donated a couple hundred dollars worth of food to the Chicago Canine Assoc. Very cool. I remember him as the guy with the out of control dog who just wanted to play. I am a sucker for a guy who loves his dog. He was cute but didn't get to see him with his hat off. I had a boyfriend at the time so I naturally paid more attention to his dog than him and sent him on his way when he tried flirting with me. This same guy has been in couple of times more asking about me when I wasn't there then last night he called and asked for me. I like persistence in a man but not pushiness so maybe it was for the best that he asked me now with all my coworkers cheering me on to say yes to a date, a month ago the answer would have been no, maybe even a week ago but now I am ready. I think. Hopefully this date doesn't end up in tears!

On the other end had to tell my ex I can't talk to him. At least for now. I need some space from even just being his friend. Time to get ready to work, as usual and hitting a comedy club tonight to cheer or jeer on a friend!

Day 13 of Singledom

Well, not much excitement last night. Work, work and work. Driving there and back with ex, still knowing it's not a good idea but still doing it. Don't judge, it's pretty damn cold out and this is more convenient. Of course there was more talk in the car but not as bad, maybe both of our feelings are starting to ebb away. Funny how fast or slow that can happen. Maybe we truly are better as friends. Time will tell.

I am vastly enjoying to company of family, friends and dog more and more. Don't get me wrong though I think deep down I am a "couple person" and will sooner than later find someone to cuddle with on the couch and watch movies but not because I need but because I want it.

Day 12 of Singledom

To be honest or not to be. Well, I'm writing to get out all the shit in my head so I guess honesty is the best policy. Like a cleansing of sorts. Seeing my ex as much as I see him is probably not the best idea. We hung out, had lunch, had great breakup sex and then....nothing. We (I am assuming it's mutual) don't have a desire to start off where things ended so what does that leave? Awkwardness, uncertainty, still nothing solid, nothing worked out or solved. I am ok with that, actually I am really fine with it, more so than I thought. I didn't ask him how he felt but from previous experience I know that he wouldn't tell me unless I pulled it out of him but I have no desire to do that either. I am usually the introverted one in the relationship so maybe I need someone who is more motivated and DO DO DO because if you don't tell me what you want or need there is a 99% chance you won't get it from me. I do not have esp and do not wish to be someone's mother. So please don't wait for me to wipe your ass because you will be sitting on the toilet for a long time. I try to treat people how I want to be treated and if that's not good enough then you know what, fuck off.

Since we have broken up we have continuously talked and texed and seen each other.... most likely not a good idea but i am going to play this one close to the vest, whatever that saying really means I am not sure but I like the sound of it for this situation. I'm banking on it backfiring but hey then it will be something I can live, learn and hopefully laugh at later. It's funny how sometimes your blindsided in relationships and never knew what was coming till it hits you in the face but once you take a step back and look at it thru different eyes you start to see cracks and flaws. Honestly speaking I want something different, something new to start off this new year. I am holding out for that butterfly in the pit of your stomach, true love feeling. Why shouldn't I have that? I am so worth it. Honestly.

Day 11 of Singledom

Yesterday was easy. Good friends, food and movies. Got me wondering though. What will happen when they no longer come by to "comfort" me or when there lives get busy and the single friend they have is just that. Single.

I have always been independent and look forward to challenging new things but maybe 11 days isn't enough time to declare myself "fixed". I don't think I am, just human and maybe a little more retrospective as I get older. I do know that I do not want to be alone, just want to be with the right person. But how do you know your with the right one? At one point in time didn't we all think that? Maybe some were right but a majority was not.

I'm trying hard not to fall into the trap of the lonely. You know, were anyone, past exes or male friends who have showed interest in you previously suddenly start looking better. I have quite a few of those in my life but have to remember they are exes for a reason and friends because they wouldn't make good boyfriends. Boyfriend. What a childish word, I always felt like I was 14 saying it. Know I am not ready for another one of those.

Today will be a hard day, time to get the rest of my exes stuff together and unfortunately head to work after. I guess cleaning out your house of their stuff is kinda like cleaning out some of your heart. You know what it is and where it's gone but you won't ever get it back.

Day 10 of Singledom

Since I was unable to write yesterday I think it's safe to assume that I had a great time! I even hosted an after hours party to which I did not attend since I was asleep in my room. Thankfully my friends are pretty cool and picked up after themselves.

What I can remember from the night before was that I danced till my knees begged me to stop and when a cute guy at the bar bought me a shot and tried to kiss me I started crying. Not exactly the re-entrance into the single life I wanted but it could've been worse.

Although I did not drunk dial my ex I did call my best friend out of state. She loves hearing about all the interesting jams I tend to get myself into and at 3am her and I were laughing at the fact that some girl I was trying to set my friend up with actually came onto me, (I am the best wing woman to have but sometimes it backfires) and wondering how the back of my phone wound up missing.

The most satisfying part was when I looked at my missed calls and saw that my ex had done what I tried so hard to overcome, the 4am drunk dial and multiple texts about where he was and asking where I was. Not sure why that made me feel good but I know I am a great catch and even if it was 4am at least his is minutely remembering that. The text at 11pm apologizing and then asking again why I didn't answer, where was I, how was I, put a smile on my face all day. I am going to be ok, I don't need anyone. Well, maybe just my friends and some duct tape for my phone.

Day 9 of Singledom

Typing with one eye open is hard. Enough said.

Day 8 of Singledom

Yesterday was easy, everything went smoothly, small pangs of missing having another half to call when creepy doctor touches your feet without gloves (I have pretty feet, just checking circulation, no bunions or anything like that) or when the homeless guy pukes on the bus. Ever wonder what the CTA does when someone pukes? Answer: Nothing.

Shitty weather but I am feeling good. Mentally I think I have myself ready for the night and prepared to hand over my cell phone so there will be no drunk dialing. Drunk dialing is never fun, because in the morning it can only be either bad or really bad. Once called an exes home number where is mother answered at 5am, long time ago when living with your mother at that age was acceptable but that's a totally different blog. Anyway it's a bad idea. You don't remember what you said or exactly who you called or (shudder) who you could be waking up with in the morning. Last thing you want to do is wind up next to one of your exes and have the embarrassing task of sending them on there way when they think it's makeup sex. That is also for another blog since I will be a responsible girl tonight. Somewhat.

Day 7 of singledom

Well, at the very least sleeping alone is getting easier. Only 1 4am wake last night to find myself alone in bed but definitely progress.

Strange how when you are single all the exes from the past come out from under their rocks. Under the guise of, I am your friend, you need to talk let me know. I know the gesture is nice but seeing someone else who it didn't work out with is not really helping, all the wondering about if it was you who made the same mistakes with him and you did this last one. Strange, I think the person who has the least to do with the breakup harbors the most guilt.

On a high note though talking to someone close who knew the "couple" before, during and after the breakup was nice. Hearing that maybe it's not all my fault and sometimes people get confused and are too young to be all in a relationship is a load off my shoulders. Just a little F.Y.I, I am a cougar :) but in my defense he wasn't some poor little boy I seduced, 6 years isn't that huge of a difference when you have alot in common. We were friends for 2yrs before dating and I think I miss that friendship the most. He's just a very proud old soul who said he wanted more than I guess he really did. We are not mind readers men, you have to communicate and initiate conversations with us if you want something.

Lots to do today and have to get myself mentally ready for what was supposed to be girl's night out tomorrow but is now turning into a free for all. Boy, being single is scary but I know I can handle it.

Day 6 of Singledom

So last night was a rough one. Getting a ride home from your ex is more like playing the blame game til your blue in the face. You did this, you did that, you said this, you said that. Rehashing the hurt is not healthy and we all know that but we still play this game. Eventually you have to get out of the car and no one is happy and you feel like this emotional mess all over again.

Some things aren't meant to be, some people are not going to make each other happy, I know that. But wouldn't it be nice if there was a disclosure when you 1st start a relationship that says "Warning! This could end in disaster and you will be very unhappy for an undetermined amount of time!" I wonder if even that would deter us? Would we keep trying just because we want that shining moment of happiness that is promised to us thru our fairytales or classic love stories? Who wrote that crap anyway? Did they write a sequel to what will happen after the characters fall out of love and how they go about divvying up there assets?

I don't want to be bitter or angry because I know in my heart this is for the best and if it was meant to be (corny alert!) then as a couple petty little issues would've been worked out and love would prevail. Some endings are not happy and beginnings are very scary but we have no choice but to keep moving.

Day 5 of singledom

Ok, bright and early up for work at 6am. Only problem, my ride to work is my ex. Really silly to wake up an hour earlier to get on bus at 5am in freezing cold he says. True but will it help seeing him if only couple days a week or will it stop the progression of my newfound singledom. Both of us lean in for the morning kiss then realize it's not a tradition we can share anymore. Awkward silence for 15minutes. Never been so happy to see my job before.

Maybe I will consider the bus next time.

Day 4 of singledom

Heartbroken? I am. I know this stage so well by heart that it’s ridiculous. Either I sabotage a great thing or stay to long in a bad one. Either way the end result is always the same. Your friends tell you how great you are and you will find someone better and they didn’t like the asshole anyway, which doesn’t help because you liked him and even if he did you wrong your pride is still hurt and you feel like a schmuck for getting blindsided by this crappy thing called love. Then you have the nosy friends who want details. Really? Why? So you can relive the miserable shit that happened through the entire relationship? Who’s fault was what and why? No sense in going over all that, out loud or in your head. Will only make you feel worse.

Girl’s night out is a must, or so you think. You have that one single friend who is a borderline man hater and will take you to a club, get you smashed and encourage you to make out with the 1^st random stranger who looks twice at you. Then you know what happens? You go home and ball your eyes out because that wasn’t the person you wanted to be making out with and it was different and not fun. Of course there will come the calls or texs, from him or you, never a good idea if you want to move on. That “let’s be friends” crap is pointless at this stage. You will most likely never be friends and if you are it will have to be later not now.

It's early in the day and I have the day off to run errands. Silly things like running errands together never seems that significant until you do them alone.